9 - Dominic Calvert-Lewin - always fucking injured

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Dominic Calvert-Lewin will not be available for Everton's Premier League clash with Tottenham Hotspur on Monday night
"He hasn't trained with the group. He's back on the grass again and has been making progress, which is good.
"He did have that tiny niggle on the injury, in a slightly different area, but he's making very good progress.
So we're happy with that at the moment."
"No timescale, I don't do that anyway.," added Dyche.
"Certainly not when we're trying to get him back to full fitness as I call it. Or as close to."

He's just become a dad, apparently. Congrats Dom!

Tonteau wrote:He's just become a dad, apparently. Congrats Dom!

Apparently the baby was born with a torn hamstring

Armchair wrote:

Tonteau wrote:He's just become a dad, apparently. Congrats Dom!

Apparently the baby was born with a torn hamstring

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/66574752

Fractured cheekbone, you couldn't make it up. Poor bloke just can't catch a break (figuratively)

"He must now follow the FA's concussion protocols before returning to action."

Does anyone know what these are? I can't be arsed to google them. I assume he is declared not to have a concussion by a doctor in the next day or two, and returns with a mask for our next game

Armchair wrote:"He must now follow the FA's concussion protocols before returning to action."

Does anyone know what these are? I can't be arsed to google them. I assume he is declared not to have a concussion by a doctor in the next day or two, and returns with a mask for our next game

There are special protocols for Everton:

The player cannot return to action until he is tested and proved to be utter shit, at which point he must be played in every game. Should the player be able to hit a cow's arse with a banjo, he should be struck on the knee with a hammer, twice a day until Kenwright agrees to sell him for ten pence, which must not be reinvested in a replacement.

Armchair wrote:"He must now follow the FA's concussion protocols before returning to action."

Does anyone know what these are? I can't be arsed to google them. I assume he is declared not to have a concussion by a doctor in the next day or two, and returns with a mask for our next game

Some concussions last longer than others. In the NFL some players have been known to remain in the concussion protocol for many weeks.

So it's a case of checking him, probably daily, until the doctors are satisfied that the impact has cleared. Likely to be a few days, maybe several. It's possible that the concussion will keep him out of the Wolves game but hopefully not. The broken cheekbone is another matter, that may be manageable with a mask, depends how bad/painful the break is.

Rotterdam 1985 wrote:

Armchair wrote:"He must now follow the FA's concussion protocols before returning to action."

Does anyone know what these are? I can't be arsed to google them. I assume he is declared not to have a concussion by a doctor in the next day or two, and returns with a mask for our next game

Some concussions last longer than others. In the NFL some players have been known to remain in the concussion protocol for many weeks.

So it's a case of checking him, probably daily, until the doctors are satisfied that the impact has cleared. Likely to be a few days, maybe several. It's possible that the concussion will keep him out of the Wolves game but hopefully not. The broken cheekbone is another matter, that may be manageable with a mask, depends how bad/painful the break is.

Thanks Rotts, makes sense.

hairy cataract wrote:

Armchair wrote:"He must now follow the FA's concussion protocols before returning to action."

Does anyone know what these are? I can't be arsed to google them. I assume he is declared not to have a concussion by a doctor in the next day or two, and returns with a mask for our next game

There are special protocols for Everton:

The player cannot return to action until he is tested and proved to be utter shit, at which point he must be played in every game.  Should the player be able to hit a cow's arse with a banjo, he should be struck on the knee with a hammer, twice a day until Kenwright agrees to sell him for ten pence, which must not be reinvested in a replacement.

additionally, when a player is no longer deemed to be concussed he must pass the Dyche puke tests, which amount to 3 consecutive large chunders in training because they have run a fucking huge distance in severe heat, ideally over a sand dune. A player will only be deemed ready for re-selection when he has puked his own bollocks up.

NB: concussion tests are not required for supporters due to the sheer volume of them banging their fucking heads on the obstructed view pillar, wall or bar table watching this shite... the NHS could simply not cope.

Rotterdam 1985 wrote:

Armchair wrote:"He must now follow the FA's concussion protocols before returning to action."

Does anyone know what these are? I can't be arsed to google them. I assume he is declared not to have a concussion by a doctor in the next day or two, and returns with a mask for our next game

Some concussions last longer than others. In the NFL some players have been known to remain in the concussion protocol for many weeks.

So it's a case of checking him, probably daily, until the doctors are satisfied that the impact has cleared. Likely to be a few days, maybe several. It's possible that the concussion will keep him out of the Wolves game but hopefully not. The broken cheekbone is another matter, that may be manageable with a mask, depends how bad/painful the break is.

The broken cheek bone is a bugger. A defenders target. How do you test if a cheek bone is being adequately protected by the mask? I assume the hairy protocol, where you put on the mask, then thump him several times in the face, until he is concussed again. Repeat.
Then there's the ducking stool. Push his face into Dyche's fresh stools until passing out. Shouting "duck!" is allowed.
Repeat.

I have always loved DCL.  As a player, I thought he was under-rated in his early career, and he proved his doubters wrong when we last had a semi-decent squad. I love the way he dresses, not giving a fuck what anyone thinks,  and he seems like a thoroughly decent person.  

In fact, he'd be one of my Great Evertonian Heroes if not for one thing - he actually isn't all that good.  I mean, he's good, but he's not a natural finisher, and he's injury prone.  If he had better players around him, he'd be an adequate if not top-notch number nine.  He's certainly no Harry Kane, but then who is?

As it is, we've got the worst squad in my memory, with absolutely nobody capable of providing the kind of service that a not particularly good striker like DCL needs.  The PL has become stronger and stronger, and we look like a Championship side with a (rarely available) Championship level forward in comparison to the vast majority of the other teams in the league.

We're going to need a miracle to stay up this season, unless we have an amazing last week of the transfer window.  Iwobi is out, DCL is out, McNeil is out, Harrison is out, Gray is on his way out - with the exception of Danjuma we have absolutely no creativity whatsoever available to us.  The immediate future looks very bleak, and we could be far adrift at the bottom of the table by the time some of the above are ready to play for us again.  Even then, we'd have a shit squad.

I'm rambling now.  DCL.  Yeah, well he isn't the answer is he?

hairy cataract wrote:I have always loved DCL.  As a player, I thought he was under-rated in his early career, and he proved his doubters wrong when we last had a semi-decent squad. I love the way he dresses, not giving a fuck what anyone thinks,  and he seems like a thoroughly decent person.  

In fact, he'd be one of my Great Evertonian Heroes if not for one thing - he actually isn't all that good.  I mean, he's good, but he's not a natural finisher, and he's injury prone.  If he had better players around him, he'd be an adequate if not top-notch number nine.  He's certainly no Harry Kane, but then who is?

As it is, we've got the worst squad in my memory, with absolutely nobody capable of providing the kind of service that a not particularly good striker like DCL needs.  The PL has become stronger and stronger, and we look like a Championship side with a (rarely available) Championship level forward in comparison to the vast majority of the other teams in the league.

We're going to need a miracle to stay up this season, unless we have an amazing last week of the transfer window.  Iwobi is out, DCL is out, McNeil is out, Harrison is out, Gray is on his way out - with the exception of Danjuma we have absolutely no creativity whatsoever available to us.  The immediate future looks very bleak, and we could be far adrift at the bottom of the table by the time some of the above are ready to play for us again.  Even then, we'd have a shit squad.

I'm rambling now.  DCL.  Yeah, well he isn't the answer is he?

Although it would appear that I have a slightly higher regard for his ability than yourself, I can see exactly where you're going with this. There is a danger, if it hasn't happened already, that DCL acquires some sort of mythical status among the fanbase; our saviour in waiting, just as soon as he gets a break (no pun intended) injury-wise. I can certainly imagine in Bill's head and Farhad's head that DCL is some kind of Jesus figure. We'll be fine lads, just wait for the Second Coming. Of course, it's their job to not leave us reliant on a single, broken centre forward, but then faith is a powerful emotion.

The danger here, of course, is that this sort of mythologisation will be fuelled, like all myths, by exaggeration. So in our heads he may have become some sort of Joe Jordan/Van Basten combo in his absence. Well he ain't that. He's not just a PL-calibre striker, he was the clear England backup to Kane when he was last fully-fit (ahead of Toney, Watkins and Wilson in the pecking order, and we'd sell our grannies for any one of those three right now) but he's not a 20-25 goals a season man and we ought not kid ourselves that he is, as the legend grows around him with each successive injury-driven absence.

And anyway, even if he were to get an injury-free run going, and was able to bang in a few goals, he's still lipstick on a pig when we consider the rest of the squad. I maintain that proper centre-forward play will improve us considerably. That doesn't mean a full season of DCL will see us into the top 8 or even the top 15. We're still shit overall and we'd still struggle. What is 100% clear is that our survival last season without meaningful centre forward play was utterly freakish, we won't be able to do that again, even if the PL appears to be a bit weaker this season than last.

I'm going to have to refer to Burnley again. Little Burnley. At their peak under Dyche they had Jay Rodriguez, who was also a crock of a striker for a year or two. Didn't matter though because they also had Wood, Barnes and Vydra. They didn't have to rush Rodriguez back too soon, and he didn't have the pressure of carrying an entire fanbase's hopes and fears on his back. How Burnley were able to furnish Dyche with four serviceable-to-good strikers while we are still putting all of our hopes on DCL's fitness (the football equivalent of sticking a bet on with Ladbrokes hoping to win enough money to pay the rent this month) is something that can only ever be answered by the custodians of the club.

Anyway, I said three things during the off-season which I'm going to stick to:

1. The Prem will be weaker this season than it was last, which should help our chances of staying up, despite ourselves.
2. I'm going to get to a few games this season, to say my goodbyes to the Old Lady, despite a voice in my head screaming "EH? WHAT THE F...? ARE YOU MENTAL?"
3. I am not going to let this latest fight to the death get to me like the last two seasons have. I think two successive relegation struggles was enough to get me to a "fuck this shit" state of mind. I'm already resigned to relegation and anything better than that is a bonus. It's the hope that kills, so I've replaced hope with fate. What will be will be. Whatever we get, we'll assuredly deserve.

One of my little pearls of wisdom I've often shared with my kids (not that the fuckers ever listen to me anyway) is to not fret excessively about things you can't control. Short of avoiding starting any more match threads, there's absolutely nothing I can do to affect any of this. So I'm just going to sort of stoner my way through the entire season.