Anthony Gordon

"Anthony Gordon has joined Newcastle United for an undisclosed fee. Without him, we would not only have been relegated last season, but we'd have probably gone down two divisions. That's how he good he was for us. And his hair is lovely. We won't talk about his patchwork trousers.

The 21-year-old forward leaves Everton after having submitted a formal transfer request, and we all cried and wish he would have changed his mind, because he was our best player ever. He made Big Dunc look like a massive baby, and Alan Ball look more like Cannon & Ball

Gordon joined the Club’s Academy at the age of 11 and made his senior debut as a 16-year-old in a Europa League tie in December 2017. He went on to make 78 First-Team appearances, scoring seven goals. But they were the best seven goals ever seen at Everton.

Fucking hell, he was brilliant and we just want to say thanks Ant, you are the greatest Blue of all time.

We will be shutting down all the bars at the next home game while a period of mourning takes place.

In fact, is it even worth continuing as a club without him."

Will that do, you Saudi Barcode cunt?

The least we could do is retire his shirt number and name a stand at BMD after him. I don't think that's asking for too much.

Anyway I've had an idea - every time we develop a home grown talent, we should sign some fat lad of the same name who has no football talent whatsoever, on a nominal retainer wage of, say, fifty quid a week, and we send him off on loan to a Sunday league team. And then when someone like the Barcodes submit a formal transfer bid, we tell the shit one to pack his bags and get the train to Newcastle with a box of dunkin' doughnuts for the journey.

Just for larks. We can't compete with oil clubs financially so we need to just start taking the piss a bit. Like, we'll then happily send the real player up there a week later, no need to get too silly about it. I just think it might put predatory teams off a little bit if we fuck around with them for laughs. And it will make us feel a bit better, which is the main thing.

"Hello, Thelwell speaking...oh hi Eddie, how's things, you sound irritated? Eh? Oh, you wanted that Anthony Gordon? You know what, I did think your bid was on the generous side...no sorry, this is on me, I really should have checked, but you are Newcastle so we just naturally assumed you'd want the fat cunt with the ket addiction."

Great to see the little shit has a dodgy ankle injury and will be out for a while. Hopefully will be a long term problem. As you can see, no bitterness here