Burnley V Everton

Burnley v Everton Wednesday 6th April 2022, K/O 19.30pm AT Turf Moor.

The game might be on Sky tv.

Both teams need a result from this game,

Everton losing to West Ham showed a bit of fight but Van der beek who got injured in the warm-up to West Ham might not make this game pending on a late fitness,
Seamus Coleman may return as he was knocked for six by a virus, nobody knows if it was covid-19, if so he'll miss the game.
Damian Delph has come into contention for this game after being side-lined a few weeks. Andre Gomes faces a late fitness.
rumours allegedly suggest that Manager Frank Lampard is considering giving Calvert Lewin a start on the bench as his fitness level not been up to much
with Rondon a rare run out from start but, they are only rumours at the moment.

Going for a Toffees win,0-2 Gordon and Richarlison. UTFT's

I fancy us to turn the corner now Sef... I know I'm mad !

0-1 in this game with a Dele Alli super sub wonder goal late on & then we'll follow it by burying Manure.

COYB

Made 4 Gwladys wrote:I fancy us to turn the corner now Sef... I know I'm mad !

0-1 in this game with a Dele Alli super sub wonder goal late on & then we'll follow it by burying Manure.

COYB

The weekend must have started early for you mate - already on a bender. Good for you.

SEFTON wrote:Burnley v Everton Wednesday 6th April 2022, K/O 19.30pm AT Turf Moor.

The game might be on Sky tv.

Both teams need a result from this game,

Everton losing to West Ham showed a bit of fight but Van der beek who got injured in the warm-up to West Ham might not make this game pending on a late fitness,
Seamus Coleman may return as he was knocked for six by a virus, nobody knows if it was covid-19, if so he'll miss the game.
Damian Delph has come into contention for this game after being side-lined a few weeks. Andre Gomes faces a late fitness.
rumours allegedly suggest that Manager Frank Lampard is considering giving Calvert Lewin a start on the bench as his fitness level not been up to much
with Rondon a rare run out from start but, they are only rumours at the moment.

Going for a Toffees win,0-2 Gordon and Richarlison. UTFT's

I'll have some of what you're smoking, Sef.

I like optimistic people so I'm not going to do you down for calling an Everton win here. I usually try to look on the bright side of life myself, but I simply cannot predict an Everton win in any game we play these days. Apart from Borehamwood, I cannot remember the last time I had any hint of optimism for a game.

I would happily go for a night out with Jacob Rees-Mogg and Piers Morgan in return for a 0-0, right now.

Burnley will bombard us won't they? Their striker is 8 foot tall I think. But if we score first, I think we'll win.

have faith blues

we've been here before

Natty Patty is out for the season after tripping over a packet of Starbursts at Finch Farm but - hurrah! - Delph is back, assuming someone moves the Starbusts before the useless fucker breaks his cock falling over them.  DCL is in intensive jumping practice with and without his Chanel handbag, and Dele has promised to turn up as long as he remembers to get some petrol for his Rolls Royce before tomorrow night.  Central defence will be Godfrey and Holgate, which is marginally better than Laurel and Hardy but possibly not as good as Sooty and Sweep.

Frank Lampard says it's all good because there are still 13 12 11 10 games to go and Paul Clement saved Swansea from relegation once so what could possibly go wrong.

Burnley are shite, so I'm going for just a 3-1 win for the home side, Delph red card after 4 minutes.

I won't be watching this one, as I'm up in Liverpool for my daughter's delayed graduation ceremony and promised to take her out for dinner. So while you lot are crying into your beer, I'll be tucking into chorizo sausage in honey, fritto misto and crab linguini at Bacaro in Castle St. You're all welcome to join me for pudding.

hairy cataract wrote:Natty Patty is out for the season after tripping over a packet of Starbursts at Finch Farm but - hurrah! - Delph is back, assuming someone moves the Starbusts before the useless fucker breaks his cock falling over them.  DCL is in intensive jumping practice with and without his Chanel handbag, and Dele has promised to turn up as long as he remembers to get some petrol for his Rolls Royce before tomorrow night.  Central defence will be Godfrey and Holgate, which is marginally better than Laurel and Hardy but possibly not as good as Sooty and Sweep.

Frank Lampard says it's all good because there are still 13 12 11 10 games to go and Paul Clement saved Swansea from relegation once so what could possibly go wrong.

Burnley are shite, so I'm going for just a 3-1 win for the home side, Delph red card after 4 minutes.

I won't be watching this one, as I'm up in Liverpool for my daughter's delayed graduation ceremony and promised to take her out for dinner.  So while you lot are crying into your beer, I'll be tucking into chorizo sausage in honey, fritto misto and crab linguini at Bacaro in Castle St.  You're all welcome to join me for pudding.

Well enjoy the ceremony, and delayed congrats to your daughter. You have a night of applauding hundreds of strangers to look forward to, with your daughter bringing 30 seconds of personal pride and cheer into what will otherwise be blister-inducing boredom while you sit there wondering whether Ben Mee has scored unmarked from a corner yet. I recommend you take at least one hip flask with you, and maybe a scotch egg to tide you over until you get to the posh scran. Whatever you do, don't leave the half-eaten scotch egg hanging out of your gob while you applaud someone - it will look uncouth.

Uni graduation ceremonies are the nearest British equivalent to a Kim Jong-un rally. You stop applauding briefly to stare disbelievingly at your weeping hands, only to glance up and see another parent giving you daggers (probably their son that you didn't applaud - so then your hands are sore and you feel like an utter shit for the rest of the night.) This all means that by the time you get to dinner your hands will be too fucking raw to hold a knife and fork properly, but I hear that Bacaro are quite happy to feed their guests one mouthful at a time and will provide a curly straw with your Rioja Crianza 2004.

Ah but you and I know that the smile on her face when she goes up onstage to collect her certificate will be worth the pain and the bleeding, and most certainly beats watching Everton lose to some godforsaken mill town that would be ceded to Yorkshire if I had my way. The first of my brood will graduate next year, so I've taken up bricklaying and taekwondo to toughen my hands up in readiness.

Just researched Bacaro on Trip Advisor. It ranks a perfectly respectable 44th of over 1,000 Liverpool eateries. But German Doner Kebab came in at 26 mate. Like, your call though.

Anyone else "excited" ... cause I'm shitting my pants with worry !

Made 4 Gwladys wrote:Anyone else "excited" ... cause I'm shitting my pants with worry !

Yes it's a similar level of excitement to being cornered by a rabid, half-starving Doberman.

Rotterdam 1985 wrote:

hairy cataract wrote:Natty Patty is out for the season after tripping over a packet of Starbursts at Finch Farm but - hurrah! - Delph is back, assuming someone moves the Starbusts before the useless fucker breaks his cock falling over them.  DCL is in intensive jumping practice with and without his Chanel handbag, and Dele has promised to turn up as long as he remembers to get some petrol for his Rolls Royce before tomorrow night.  Central defence will be Godfrey and Holgate, which is marginally better than Laurel and Hardy but possibly not as good as Sooty and Sweep.

Frank Lampard says it's all good because there are still 13 12 11 10 games to go and Paul Clement saved Swansea from relegation once so what could possibly go wrong.

Burnley are shite, so I'm going for just a 3-1 win for the home side, Delph red card after 4 minutes.

I won't be watching this one, as I'm up in Liverpool for my daughter's delayed graduation ceremony and promised to take her out for dinner.  So while you lot are crying into your beer, I'll be tucking into chorizo sausage in honey, fritto misto and crab linguini at Bacaro in Castle St.  You're all welcome to join me for pudding.

Well enjoy the ceremony, and delayed congrats to your daughter. You have a night of applauding hundreds of strangers to look forward to, with your daughter bringing 30 seconds of personal pride and cheer into what will otherwise be blister-inducing boredom while you sit there wondering whether Ben Mee has scored unmarked from a corner yet. I recommend you take at least one hip flask with you, and maybe a scotch egg to tide you over until you get to the posh scran. Whatever you do, don't leave the half-eaten scotch egg hanging out of your gob while you applaud someone - it will look uncouth.

Uni graduation ceremonies are the nearest British equivalent to a Kim Jong-un rally. You stop applauding briefly to stare disbelievingly at your weeping hands, only to glance up and see another parent giving you daggers (probably their son that you didn't applaud - so then your hands are sore and you feel like an utter shit for the rest of the night.) This all means that by the time you get to dinner your hands will be too fucking raw to hold a knife and fork properly, but I hear that Bacaro are quite happy to feed their guests one mouthful at a time and will provide a curly straw with your Rioja Crianza 2004.

Ah but you and I know that the smile on her face when she goes up onstage to collect her certificate will be worth the pain and the bleeding, and most certainly beats watching Everton lose to some godforsaken mill town that would be ceded to Yorkshire if I had my way. The first of my brood will graduate next year, so I've taken up bricklaying and taekwondo to toughen my hands up in readiness.

Just researched Bacaro on Trip Advisor. It ranks a perfectly respectable 44th of over 1,000 Liverpool eateries. But German Doner Kebab came in at 26 mate. Like, your call though.

I'm intending to boo all the other graduates, chant "hello hello Red and White Shite" at half of them just to be on the safe side, and start a fight with at least one other dad. University of Liverpool (otherwise known as That Fucking Useless University) are trying to slot in a million graduation ceremonies this year, so I reckon the kids will be on a super fast conveyor belt with cattle-prods and security guards to speed them along. I'll probably be looking the other way when mine gets her degree. Afterwards they've told us we get a cup of tea then we can fuck off without even a note of thanks for the 27 grand tuition fees each graduate wasted on on-line tuition and strike-delayed marking. Bastards.

hairy cataract wrote:

Rotterdam 1985 wrote:

hairy cataract wrote:Natty Patty is out for the season after tripping over a packet of Starbursts at Finch Farm but - hurrah! - Delph is back, assuming someone moves the Starbusts before the useless fucker breaks his cock falling over them.  DCL is in intensive jumping practice with and without his Chanel handbag, and Dele has promised to turn up as long as he remembers to get some petrol for his Rolls Royce before tomorrow night.  Central defence will be Godfrey and Holgate, which is marginally better than Laurel and Hardy but possibly not as good as Sooty and Sweep.

Frank Lampard says it's all good because there are still 13 12 11 10 games to go and Paul Clement saved Swansea from relegation once so what could possibly go wrong.

Burnley are shite, so I'm going for just a 3-1 win for the home side, Delph red card after 4 minutes.

I won't be watching this one, as I'm up in Liverpool for my daughter's delayed graduation ceremony and promised to take her out for dinner.  So while you lot are crying into your beer, I'll be tucking into chorizo sausage in honey, fritto misto and crab linguini at Bacaro in Castle St.  You're all welcome to join me for pudding.

Well enjoy the ceremony, and delayed congrats to your daughter. You have a night of applauding hundreds of strangers to look forward to, with your daughter bringing 30 seconds of personal pride and cheer into what will otherwise be blister-inducing boredom while you sit there wondering whether Ben Mee has scored unmarked from a corner yet. I recommend you take at least one hip flask with you, and maybe a scotch egg to tide you over until you get to the posh scran. Whatever you do, don't leave the half-eaten scotch egg hanging out of your gob while you applaud someone - it will look uncouth.

Uni graduation ceremonies are the nearest British equivalent to a Kim Jong-un rally. You stop applauding briefly to stare disbelievingly at your weeping hands, only to glance up and see another parent giving you daggers (probably their son that you didn't applaud - so then your hands are sore and you feel like an utter shit for the rest of the night.) This all means that by the time you get to dinner your hands will be too fucking raw to hold a knife and fork properly, but I hear that Bacaro are quite happy to feed their guests one mouthful at a time and will provide a curly straw with your Rioja Crianza 2004.

Ah but you and I know that the smile on her face when she goes up onstage to collect her certificate will be worth the pain and the bleeding, and most certainly beats watching Everton lose to some godforsaken mill town that would be ceded to Yorkshire if I had my way. The first of my brood will graduate next year, so I've taken up bricklaying and taekwondo to toughen my hands up in readiness.

Just researched Bacaro on Trip Advisor. It ranks a perfectly respectable 44th of over 1,000 Liverpool eateries. But German Doner Kebab came in at 26 mate. Like, your call though.

I'm intending to boo all the other graduates, chant "hello hello Red and White Shite" at half of them just to be on the safe side, and start a fight with at least one other dad.  University of Liverpool (otherwise known as That Fucking Useless University) are trying to slot in a million graduation ceremonies this year, so I reckon the kids will be on a super fast conveyor belt with cattle-prods and security guards to speed them along.  I'll probably be looking the other way when mine gets her degree.  Afterwards they've told us we get a cup of tea then we can fuck off without even a note of thanks for the 27 grand tuition fees each graduate wasted on on-line tuition and strike-delayed marking.  Bastards.

You raise an interesting point, one that the UoL has doubtless ignored for years now - how can you be sure that you won't be applauding Redshites or their offspring? That's the scary thing about Kopites - they look like us, dress like us, and until the subject turns to famous European nights or the footballing capabilities of Mamadou Sakho, they even sound like us. Be careful mate, there might be some of them there tonight, hiding in plain sight.

So, I propose that the UoL declares the football allegiances of all graduates or, if they're not into football, the allegiances of their parents. This will allow you to be choosy about who you applaud, mitigating the blistered hands issue, while also leaving you reassured that you've not congratulated any Kopites, Mancs or twats born and raised in Heswall who weirdly describe themselves as lifelong Barca fans. This will also allow you to hand-pick the Burnley-supporting arl arse in that ill-fitting suit that he only ever wears "for special" (preferably a short bloke) to pick your fight with.

Honestly, if they had any sense, they'd appoint me as Vice Chancellor tomorrow.

Rotterdam 1985 wrote:

hairy cataract wrote:

Rotterdam 1985 wrote:

hairy cataract wrote:Natty Patty is out for the season after tripping over a packet of Starbursts at Finch Farm but - hurrah! - Delph is back, assuming someone moves the Starbusts before the useless fucker breaks his cock falling over them.  DCL is in intensive jumping practice with and without his Chanel handbag, and Dele has promised to turn up as long as he remembers to get some petrol for his Rolls Royce before tomorrow night.  Central defence will be Godfrey and Holgate, which is marginally better than Laurel and Hardy but possibly not as good as Sooty and Sweep.

Frank Lampard says it's all good because there are still 13 12 11 10 games to go and Paul Clement saved Swansea from relegation once so what could possibly go wrong.

Burnley are shite, so I'm going for just a 3-1 win for the home side, Delph red card after 4 minutes.

I won't be watching this one, as I'm up in Liverpool for my daughter's delayed graduation ceremony and promised to take her out for dinner.  So while you lot are crying into your beer, I'll be tucking into chorizo sausage in honey, fritto misto and crab linguini at Bacaro in Castle St.  You're all welcome to join me for pudding.

Well enjoy the ceremony, and delayed congrats to your daughter. You have a night of applauding hundreds of strangers to look forward to, with your daughter bringing 30 seconds of personal pride and cheer into what will otherwise be blister-inducing boredom while you sit there wondering whether Ben Mee has scored unmarked from a corner yet. I recommend you take at least one hip flask with you, and maybe a scotch egg to tide you over until you get to the posh scran. Whatever you do, don't leave the half-eaten scotch egg hanging out of your gob while you applaud someone - it will look uncouth.

Uni graduation ceremonies are the nearest British equivalent to a Kim Jong-un rally. You stop applauding briefly to stare disbelievingly at your weeping hands, only to glance up and see another parent giving you daggers (probably their son that you didn't applaud - so then your hands are sore and you feel like an utter shit for the rest of the night.) This all means that by the time you get to dinner your hands will be too fucking raw to hold a knife and fork properly, but I hear that Bacaro are quite happy to feed their guests one mouthful at a time and will provide a curly straw with your Rioja Crianza 2004.

Ah but you and I know that the smile on her face when she goes up onstage to collect her certificate will be worth the pain and the bleeding, and most certainly beats watching Everton lose to some godforsaken mill town that would be ceded to Yorkshire if I had my way. The first of my brood will graduate next year, so I've taken up bricklaying and taekwondo to toughen my hands up in readiness.

Just researched Bacaro on Trip Advisor. It ranks a perfectly respectable 44th of over 1,000 Liverpool eateries. But German Doner Kebab came in at 26 mate. Like, your call though.

I'm intending to boo all the other graduates, chant "hello hello Red and White Shite" at half of them just to be on the safe side, and start a fight with at least one other dad.  University of Liverpool (otherwise known as That Fucking Useless University) are trying to slot in a million graduation ceremonies this year, so I reckon the kids will be on a super fast conveyor belt with cattle-prods and security guards to speed them along.  I'll probably be looking the other way when mine gets her degree.  Afterwards they've told us we get a cup of tea then we can fuck off without even a note of thanks for the 27 grand tuition fees each graduate wasted on on-line tuition and strike-delayed marking.  Bastards.

You raise an interesting point, one that the UoL has doubtless ignored for years now - how can you be sure that you won't be applauding Redshites or their offspring? That's the scary thing about Kopites - they look like us, dress like us, and until the subject turns to famous European nights or the footballing capabilities of Mamadou Sakho, they even sound like us. Be careful mate, there might be some of them there tonight, hiding in plain sight.

So, I propose that the UoL declares the football allegiances of all graduates or, if they're not into football, the allegiances of their parents. This will allow you to be choosy about who you applaud, mitigating the blistered hands issue, while also leaving you reassured that you've not congratulated any Kopites, Mancs or twats born and raised in Heswall who weirdly describe themselves as lifelong Barca fans. This will also allow you to hand-pick the Burnley-supporting arl arse in that ill-fitting suit that he only ever wears "for special" (preferably a short bloke) to pick your fight with.

Honestly, if they had any sense, they'd appoint me as Vice Chancellor tomorrow.

Some brilliant points there, you should not only be Vice Chancellor of the FUUofL, but also replace Bill as Chairman of our glorious football club. I might spraypaint "Bill Out Rotts In" all over the Gladwys Street end on Saturday. Not to mention all over the "Yoko Ono Lennon Centre" at the uni. I'm hoping that Yoko herself will be there to give a speech. I've offered to recreate the cover of Two Virgins with her if she turns up.

This is bigger than an FA cup final.
There will be several like it between now and Arsenal.
Do we have the bottle?
Do we have a defensive midfielder.....anywhere in the club? OK Delph it is.
What a mashed up team this is. Seemingly injuries and suspensions all over the place.
No clear and regular line up. Consistency will come with a consistent line up and tactics.
Aaaaagh!!!
Being an Evertonian is.....Aaaagh!!

Not sure whether to watch tonight or not. I think I'll give it a miss and do something more constructive.

I'll be following the game on the BBC Live Text while at work. I'd take a draw at the moment, no doubt. Yet at the same time I'm secretly hoping that all of a sudden we'll score on our chances and it starts to "click". But I'm likely just a fool thinking that.

being a massive masochist I'll probably look for a dodgy feed so I can watch the half naked dancer in the ribbon when we pass to them for a clear cut chance on goal and/or when we get a player red carded.

I think we'll win though

Rotterdam 1985 wrote:

SEFTON wrote:Burnley v Everton Wednesday 6th April 2022, K/O 19.30pm AT Turf Moor.

The game might be on Sky tv.

Both teams need a result from this game,

Everton losing to West Ham showed a bit of fight but Van der beek who got injured in the warm-up to West Ham might not make this game pending on a late fitness,
Seamus Coleman may return as he was knocked for six by a virus, nobody knows if it was covid-19, if so he'll miss the game.
Damian Delph has come into contention for this game after being side-lined a few weeks. Andre Gomes faces a late fitness.
rumours allegedly suggest that Manager Frank Lampard is considering giving Calvert Lewin a start on the bench as his fitness level not been up to much
with Rondon a rare run out from start but, they are only rumours at the moment.

Going for a Toffees win,0-2 Gordon and Richarlison. UTFT's

I'll have some of what you're smoking, Sef.

I like optimistic people so I'm not going to do you down for calling an Everton win here. I usually try to look on the bright side of life myself, but I simply cannot predict an Everton win in any game we play these days. Apart from Borehamwood, I cannot remember the last time I had any hint of optimism for a game.

I would happily go for a night out with Jacob Rees-Mogg and Piers Morgan in return for a 0-0, right now.

Smoking a vape Rotts, No nicotine or drugs, haven't had a beer in over a year, so my prediction is based on my outer body experience of going mad with the frustrations that of EVERTON FC have brought upon me over the season, plus I have had better fortune than most with Predictions just my memory to post them has fallen by the wayside.

Hopefully we all will be feeling a little more at ease regards to relegation.

2-0 Burnley.

If it's on tv I'll tune in. If not, I'll be down at Bacaro for pudding.

With both sides very clear on what's at stake, I can see:

a) The crowd getting behind Burnley like a pack of rabid dogs, and
b) A low quality, high desire (at least from the home side) game which to the average first time foreign viewer will prompt the question "this is supposed to be the best league around?"

Goodison_Gringo wrote:2-0 Burnley.

If it's on tv I'll tune in. If not, I'll be down at Bacaro for pudding.

good call .. I'll have the tiramisu .. about time that tight twat Hairy put his hand in his wallet

Avoiding like the plague. Just cannot see us getting anything out of this. Have laid £50 on Burnley just to have something out of what would be a horrific result. Desperately hope it loses. Probably be a 5-0 drubbing which is enough to put us bottom 3. Shitting myself about it all now. We are just sooooo shite!!

SEFTON wrote:

Rotterdam 1985 wrote:

SEFTON wrote:Burnley v Everton Wednesday 6th April 2022, K/O 19.30pm AT Turf Moor.

The game might be on Sky tv.

Both teams need a result from this game,

Everton losing to West Ham showed a bit of fight but Van der beek who got injured in the warm-up to West Ham might not make this game pending on a late fitness,
Seamus Coleman may return as he was knocked for six by a virus, nobody knows if it was covid-19, if so he'll miss the game.
Damian Delph has come into contention for this game after being side-lined a few weeks. Andre Gomes faces a late fitness.
rumours allegedly suggest that Manager Frank Lampard is considering giving Calvert Lewin a start on the bench as his fitness level not been up to much
with Rondon a rare run out from start but, they are only rumours at the moment.

Going for a Toffees win,0-2 Gordon and Richarlison. UTFT's

I'll have some of what you're smoking, Sef.

I like optimistic people so I'm not going to do you down for calling an Everton win here. I usually try to look on the bright side of life myself, but I simply cannot predict an Everton win in any game we play these days. Apart from Borehamwood, I cannot remember the last time I had any hint of optimism for a game.

I would happily go for a night out with Jacob Rees-Mogg and Piers Morgan in return for a 0-0, right now.

Smoking a vape Rotts, No nicotine or drugs, haven't had a beer in over a year, so my prediction is based on my outer body experience of going mad with the frustrations that of EVERTON FC have brought upon me over the season, plus I have had better fortune than most with Predictions just my memory to post them has fallen by the wayside.

Hopefully we all will be feeling a little more at ease regards to relegation.

Good on you Sef. I'm also a vaper, haven't smoked for over three years now, and I haven't had a beer since, errrr....Saturday.

hairy cataract wrote:

Rotterdam 1985 wrote:

hairy cataract wrote:

Rotterdam 1985 wrote:

hairy cataract wrote:Natty Patty is out for the season after tripping over a packet of Starbursts at Finch Farm but - hurrah! - Delph is back, assuming someone moves the Starbusts before the useless fucker breaks his cock falling over them.  DCL is in intensive jumping practice with and without his Chanel handbag, and Dele has promised to turn up as long as he remembers to get some petrol for his Rolls Royce before tomorrow night.  Central defence will be Godfrey and Holgate, which is marginally better than Laurel and Hardy but possibly not as good as Sooty and Sweep.

Frank Lampard says it's all good because there are still 13 12 11 10 games to go and Paul Clement saved Swansea from relegation once so what could possibly go wrong.

Burnley are shite, so I'm going for just a 3-1 win for the home side, Delph red card after 4 minutes.

I won't be watching this one, as I'm up in Liverpool for my daughter's delayed graduation ceremony and promised to take her out for dinner.  So while you lot are crying into your beer, I'll be tucking into chorizo sausage in honey, fritto misto and crab linguini at Bacaro in Castle St.  You're all welcome to join me for pudding.

Well enjoy the ceremony, and delayed congrats to your daughter. You have a night of applauding hundreds of strangers to look forward to, with your daughter bringing 30 seconds of personal pride and cheer into what will otherwise be blister-inducing boredom while you sit there wondering whether Ben Mee has scored unmarked from a corner yet. I recommend you take at least one hip flask with you, and maybe a scotch egg to tide you over until you get to the posh scran. Whatever you do, don't leave the half-eaten scotch egg hanging out of your gob while you applaud someone - it will look uncouth.

Uni graduation ceremonies are the nearest British equivalent to a Kim Jong-un rally. You stop applauding briefly to stare disbelievingly at your weeping hands, only to glance up and see another parent giving you daggers (probably their son that you didn't applaud - so then your hands are sore and you feel like an utter shit for the rest of the night.) This all means that by the time you get to dinner your hands will be too fucking raw to hold a knife and fork properly, but I hear that Bacaro are quite happy to feed their guests one mouthful at a time and will provide a curly straw with your Rioja Crianza 2004.

Ah but you and I know that the smile on her face when she goes up onstage to collect her certificate will be worth the pain and the bleeding, and most certainly beats watching Everton lose to some godforsaken mill town that would be ceded to Yorkshire if I had my way. The first of my brood will graduate next year, so I've taken up bricklaying and taekwondo to toughen my hands up in readiness.

Just researched Bacaro on Trip Advisor. It ranks a perfectly respectable 44th of over 1,000 Liverpool eateries. But German Doner Kebab came in at 26 mate. Like, your call though.

I'm intending to boo all the other graduates, chant "hello hello Red and White Shite" at half of them just to be on the safe side, and start a fight with at least one other dad.  University of Liverpool (otherwise known as That Fucking Useless University) are trying to slot in a million graduation ceremonies this year, so I reckon the kids will be on a super fast conveyor belt with cattle-prods and security guards to speed them along.  I'll probably be looking the other way when mine gets her degree.  Afterwards they've told us we get a cup of tea then we can fuck off without even a note of thanks for the 27 grand tuition fees each graduate wasted on on-line tuition and strike-delayed marking.  Bastards.

You raise an interesting point, one that the UoL has doubtless ignored for years now - how can you be sure that you won't be applauding Redshites or their offspring? That's the scary thing about Kopites - they look like us, dress like us, and until the subject turns to famous European nights or the footballing capabilities of Mamadou Sakho, they even sound like us. Be careful mate, there might be some of them there tonight, hiding in plain sight.

So, I propose that the UoL declares the football allegiances of all graduates or, if they're not into football, the allegiances of their parents. This will allow you to be choosy about who you applaud, mitigating the blistered hands issue, while also leaving you reassured that you've not congratulated any Kopites, Mancs or twats born and raised in Heswall who weirdly describe themselves as lifelong Barca fans. This will also allow you to hand-pick the Burnley-supporting arl arse in that ill-fitting suit that he only ever wears "for special" (preferably a short bloke) to pick your fight with.

Honestly, if they had any sense, they'd appoint me as Vice Chancellor tomorrow.

Some brilliant points there, you should not only be Vice Chancellor of the FUUofL, but also replace Bill as Chairman of our glorious football club.  I might spraypaint "Bill Out Rotts In"  all over the Gladwys Street end on Saturday.  Not to mention all over the "Yoko Ono Lennon Centre" at the uni.  I'm hoping that Yoko herself will be there to give a speech.  I've offered to recreate the cover of Two Virgins with her if she turns up.

Lol!

Not sure I can handle the Uni gig and the Chairmanship of the club. This is going to be a tough choice....I might defer my decision until after I know whether we're down or not. The Uni job does appeal to me, if only because oppressing Kopites with a never-ending list of demeaning diktats (such has having to wear a bonnet hat at all times in public, not being allowed in the restaurant between the hours of 11am and 4pm etc) would be a lot of fun.